Everyone Needs a Momma

Whewww!!!!! It has been forever since I have blogged. So much has happened in the last couple of months so let me bring you up to speed on everything.

The boys both played football this fall. They were on different teams, therefore, we were often running in two different directions. It was really taxing on all of us (and the season still isn't over)!

Shyne celebrated his 6th birthday on September 15th. He had a spectacular shark themed school and swim birthday parties.

Lastly, I started a job with a very short advance notice. I loved being home with the kiddos but our Cobra health care coverage was ending soon. So back to the workforce I went in pursuit of a company plan health care coverage for our family. Everyone has adjusted very well to all the new changes this has brought about in our lives. Even still, the reality is that it sucks to be working for health care! I hate the word "sucks" but in this situation it is most fitting because that is really how it feels. My new job is requiring me to go through 10 weeks of training with 5 of those weeks being out of town away from my family. As I type this from my hotel room, I am wrapping up week 1 away from my babies. The good news is that I get to go home on weekends to see them! I have missed my babies terribly!

I haven't been online nearly as much now that I am working full-time again. However, I did stumble across an adoption forum tonight where the thread was discussing foster care adoptions. Once again, I didn't feel that foster care children were getting a fair shake. Then I saw that I am still getting tons of hits daily on this blog. So even while my plate is beyond full at this point, I am going to have to step it up and keep spreading the word about my great foster care experience. It is the least I can do to help those without voices. I truly believe in this with all of my heart.

My parents have helped a lot with my kids these last few weeks. Shyne told my stepfather this week that "Everyone needs a Momma." Isn't that the truth? I wish all kids had a Momma AND a Daddy so I recommit myself to blogging about my foster care adoption experience.

The Ugly - The Toxicology Report II

My mother and I had taken the kids shopping for church shoes that day. It was a busy hectic time at the mall as there were a lot of people doing their back school shopping. I had three hyper kids and I needed my mother's help and opinion.

The kids all came to me with one pair of decent but clunky pair of athletic shoes. Since the kids were in DFCS custody, they obviously had a clothing allowance. I, however, was unfamiliar with it except that it was on a reimbursement basis only. I didn't know what, if any, stipulations were on their allowance.

We headed to the mall and I bought each of the boys a pair of boat shoes. I purchased some white T-strap Keds for Zippy. I felt she needed the black, brown, and white dress shoes but we would have to suffice with the Keds as they were the most practical and she could also wear them with shorts. I did find a pair of the cutest polka dot tennis shoes ever for Zippy. I was overwhelmed at just the thought of necessities that the kids needed but darn it, they were so cute. My mom also loved the polka dot shoes and insisted on how Zippy had to have them! So there that day, I purchased a total of 4 pairs of shoes, two backpacks, and a dress all while not sure if I would be reimbursed or not. Please keep in mind that the rug had just been pulled out from under me with the notice of my lay off. Every purchase I made from the time I got notice of my lay off came under close scruntity by me. I even felt uneasy about pulling into a gas station purchasing a cup a coffee knowing all too well that I could have saved money by brewing my own at home!

That day at the mall, my mother bought my niece a pair of shoes. That would be my only niece, my brother and SIL's daughter. The one that I had bought two pairs of shoes a few months earlier. The one for which I had purchased 15 summer outfits. The one that I had spent over $2500 painting and outfitting her room with a new bedroom suite and Pottery Barn Kids decor. The one that I paid for and chauffeured back and forth to dance class every Thursday night. The one that my mother shopped for like crazy.

I didn't set out that day thinking or hoping my mom would buy something for my kids. But it did hurt me that here on our first outing together that she bought for my niece that needed NOTHING while there we shopped with my POOR FOSTER KID looking foster children.

So after we left the mall, we delivered those shoes to my niece and that is how we landed in my brother's living room that day.

On their console table was about 5 packs of Disney Princess gummies. Zippy saw them and kept asking me for one. I would ask my niece if she could have one only to have my niece pitch a fit. I kept trying to distract Zippy away from the gummies but time and time again she kept looking, putting her hand on them, etc. It became quite apparent that my SIL wasn't going to offer a pack to Zippy either. I was fuming. Finally, I had enough of it and told Zippy she could have them while my niece raged on. After I had been so generous to my niece, my SIL could not reciprocate and give my kid a pack of $0.25 gummies? My mom was hot too. Keep in mind this was all going on while my SIL questioned me in front of the kids about their race specifically wanting to know if they all had the same dad, what parent was what race and so on.

Boy did my niece ever pitch a big ole nasty fit. My SIL never seized the opportunity to use this as a teachable moment about sharing. Finally, I had enough and we didn't need their gummies either. The gummies had not been opened by the time we made it to the door and down the side walk. I told Zippy we would stop at the store and get her some candy. So I took the gummy pack and turned around and threw them to my SIL that was standing on her front porch with my niece. At that time, my SIL started to console my niece by saying "It's okay, she gave them back to you."


Since I am putting this out here for everyone to read, I think it is only fair to mention that I have discussed my hurt feeling about that shopping trip with my mother. She has apologized and told me that in hindsight she feels that she was in the wrong that day.

The Ugly - The Toxicology Report I

Once upon a time, I thought my family was "normal." WRONG, but hey that is what I get for "thinking!" My mother's family was very small and close knit, especially when my grandparents were alive. I have one uncle and aunt and their two kids (cousins) on that side of the family. We all lived within a few miles of each other. I have one brother that is 8 years older than me. Growing we up, we were not close due to the age difference but when I moved back from Nashville in 2003, we began to grow very close. We celebrated birthdays, holidays and milestones together. All was great!

My brother, L, married a gal from the Philippines in 1993. If you have the stereotypical imagine of a quiet, subservient Asian lady in mind, then please toss it out right now! Instead, my sister-in-law (SIL) is loud, opinionated, materialistic and down right offensive. Even still, we accepted and embraced her. After all, isn't that what family is suppose to do?

So in July 2009 after Billy and I decided we would accept placement of our children, I obviously shared the news with my brother. I even shared with him the answer to the million dollar question: "What are they?"

I was hesitant to tell my brother that my children are African American, American Indian, Caucasian and Hispanic. I made him promise on his life that he would not tell her. Yep, I'm talking about my very brown, Filipino, heavy accent, broken English speaking SIL! To this day, she is the only person that I know that does not know the truth. While I am not ashamed of my children's heritage, I knew telling my SIL the truth would be like handing an assassin a loaded gun.

The very first (possibly the second time she met my kids), she kept talking about them being "Mexican" in front of them. She wanted to know what parent was what and so forth. I only told the partial truth because maternal instincts told me that I had to protect my children. So, I lied.


There in my brother's living room, a few things I have learned in life reaffirmed themselves:

1. Some people are as clear as gloss
2. Gut instincts are rarely wrong
3. Live life with little regret

To be continued...

The GoOd, the BaD and the UgLy!

I've got a couple of posts that are weighing heavy on my heart. I have yet to share them at this point. They are raw and of course there is no holding back. Adoption is often painted all pretty and rosy but in reality there is so much about it that really SUCKS! <-----Yeah, I hate that word but it really sums up adoption - ugly and offensive. Don't be fooled into thinking that adoption is a win/win situation for those involved. Someone in the equation is always going to lose. Period. Isn't it amazing how something that has brought me so much joy has also brought me so much pain? I am apprehensive about my forthcoming entries because I know they will sting a few people. But then again, it is my blog which happens to serve basically as a journal for me. My intentions when I started this blog was to provide an account of our foster care adoption experiences. I simply can't state the good without stating the bad too. I read all the books and all the experts said it would be like this. So I guess it is what it is: Ugly.

School Days

The boys started school last Friday and Zippy started pre-school today. Whewwwww, the last few days have been a whirl wind! I'm so exhausted!

I finally got the boy's names corrected at the Board of Education. It happened only after I got twisted then sideways and marched down there on Friday morning while insisting on seeing a Superintendent. Also, all the kids in the entire school system received new lunch numbers this year. These numbers are suppose to follow them all the way through 12th grade. Well, Shyne's six digit number was 066625. Awesome! Last year in pre-K, he came home telling me that a child in his class knew the Devil's phone number which upon questioning him ended up being three consecutive 6's. Needless to say, that was the straw that broke the camel's while the problem itself was compounded by a break down in communication within the school system and snarky attitudes in general. Once upon a time, I use to be very critical of homeschooling. After one school year under our belt and three days into a new one, I can completely see why so many people choose to go that route!

Shyne was particularly excited to start Kindergarten. He has been dying to get to the same school as his older brother! As you can see by some of his photos, he was really wound tight that morning. Actually, I thought I was never going to get a decent photo because he literally couldn't be still. Luckily for his teacher, he calmed down by the time we got to school...only after after I threatened to stay there until he settled down!

I've been full of piss and vinegar the last few days. That combination usually inspires a pretty beefy blog post. If I can muster up enough energy in the next couple of days, I'm going to throw out one called "The Ugly - The Toxicology Report." Trust me, it will be very candid! :-O

All In A Name

School starts tomorrow for Fuller and Shyne. Fuller will be going into 2nd grade and Shyne into Kindergarten. For those of you that have followed this blog or followed me on Facebook, you know that I was hardly impressed with our school and school system this last school year. Anyway, our school got a new principal this year. It was truly an answered prayer and may have been the best news I had all summer. Plus, we now have a new Superintendent and two new school board members. So needless to say, I'm feeling much more optimistic about this school year.

I tried in February to change the boys names at school as DFCS had given us paperwork stating they could go by their new names although we had not yet finalized the adoption. However, the BOE would not accept it although every other entity that we dealt with did. So a week and a half ago, I took all the necessary adoption papers down to our Board of Education so that we could get our boys names changed to ours on their school record. They directed me to the boy's actual school. I went to the school and a lady met me at the door telling me that parents were not allowed into the building until this week. She said that she could make a copy and leave it for the clerk. She slipped away for a few moments and then cracked the door open and handed me the copies and off she went. So here I stand outside banging on the door because I needed our original notarized papers back, not the copies. I reiterated that it was of utmost importance that their names be changed before the school year started and she said she would pass on the message.

We arrived today at school for the teacher meet and greet event. All the names were correct everywhere we went until we got to the cafeteria. I wrote out my check for over $500 and put the boy's names as requested in the memo line on the check (Both boys will eat breakfast and lunch at school for a whopping total of $1030 for the school year). The cashier flipped through some list and then proclaimed "He is not on here...oh, yeah his name changed. What was it last year?" Before I could answer, she answered her own question out loud by blurting out Fuller's given name at birth. There were people standing in line behind me and of course I had the kids with me. Then she blurted out Shyne's birth name, how the names on the check need to match the name in the system, yada, yada...WHO GIVES A CRAP LADY?!?!?

I nicely tell the cashier that since the adoption was finalized that their new adopted names should be reflected in the computer system. She referred me back to the Board of Ed. Then she tells me that all the kids lunch numbers in the entire county is changing this school year. She writes the new lunch numbers out on a piece of paper with their birth names. Basically, she refused to acknowledge that the kids names had been changed. I take her pen and scribble out their names and write their correct names which she knew as they were right there in front of her!


Of course everyone in earshot hears this exchange. At this point, I'm not real happy. I tell the cashier that the Board of Ed sent me to the school with my adoption paperwork and there is a copy right across the hall in the main office. She still refers me to the Board of Ed. Long story short, after several phone calls no one seems to know who can and will change the boy's names in the cafeteria system.


When Fuller first came to us last summer he begged and pleaded to be called Michael Jackson. That was definitely a "no go!" However, I was happy that he was actually requesting to be called something other than his given name because we were very uncomfortable with it. See, he was Junior and had been named after his natural father. Being a namesake is cool and all but then on the other hand there are some people that you really don't need to be named after. There are details here that I'm not willing to share on this blog but consider this: DFCS doesn't terminate rights on Mother and Dad of The Year. So with that in mind, Fuller was his middle name so we made it his first name and then added a new middle name that he picked out all by himself - Billy's middle name. When we registered him for school last year I wrote his nickname as "Fuller" so at least he got called by his new first name all last year.

Of course there is always the safety concern too. I don't know if the birth family knows the kid's new names or not. However, I don't suppose I would be throwing our whole lives out here on the Net for the entire world to see if that was a big concern for me. I do find assurance in the fact that a bunch of EDUCATED EDUCATORS at the BOARD OF EDUCATION cannot figure out how to change a name in a computer system! So, hopefully the people of concern in our situation won't know how to play the name game!

Family is important as are the names that associate you with that family. I felt sorry for little Fuller as he stood there and witnessed all the unnecessary stupidiness today. Our kids were so excited when they finally got to take our surname upon finalization of their adoptions. Today they were elated about the start of a new school year. My little troopers have marched full speed ahead in their new lives while never spending much time looking back. However, no matter how happy and rosy their little lives are there are days like this when reality takes a big dump on them.

Doing It B.I.G.

Often, I am asked "Why three?" My response is usually "Why not?"

When we first started the foster to adopt process, we initially set out to adopt one child. While doing our Impact training classes, we ran into a couple that we know that informed us they were doing the same thing but was hoping to adopt a specific pair of children in which they already knew. I remember thinking "Oh my goodness, two kids at once!" The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. In theory, I always thought having three kids would be ideal but honestly I knew I would never make it through three pregnancies and infancies. Seriously, I would have probably needed to be sent home from the hospital with a Prozac drip bag!

I didn't sleep for months. Literally months, people. I have this terrible one track mind and it was focused on adoption. I stayed up night after night combing the Internet and looking at photo listings. My heart broke for the sibling groups.

Our town has been hit very hard by the recession. At one point, we had the second highest unemployment in the country. Everywhere I turned, there were people without work and struggling financially. I was also told by one Social Worker that our county has one of the highest rates of terminating parental rights in the whole state (that is another topic for another night). Anyway, I kept wondering who was available to take all these kids? Then I looked at myself. I was blessed beyond belief. While my husband's business had been hit hard by the economic down turn, we still manage to make it.

A person only has one life on this Earth so why not make the most of it, right? Well, I've never been a person to spend Saturday night on the couch. So why not three? Billy would ask "Three?" like I had lost my mind. My husband is the kind of guy that gives everything he does 110%. I knew he would be more Dad than one little kid could handle! He also happens to be a master of propaganda. So one day, I replied "Billy, anyone can adopt just one child BUT if you are going to do it, THEN YOU NEED TO DO IT BIG!" He chuckled because he knew I had won at his own game. Then around that same time, we had gone to church on a Sunday night and the sermon was basically about faith. I smiled at him like "I told you so!" When a person is in their comfort zone, we feel like we have more control and rely less on God. However, God wants us to step outside of our comfort zone and live by faith. When we do get uncomfortable, then we find ourselves needing Him more. We all know there is only room for Him in the Captain's chair! So, that night when we got in the car, Billy gave me permission to call DFCS and change our status to three.

Reasons to adopt a sibling group:

--this is pretty obvious but it keeps siblings together.
--because the kids will always have each other when they have lost everything else they have known in life.
--because the children have someone else in which to share the emotions/experience of losing their parents, moving to a new home, being adopted, etc.
--because there is a great need for families to take sibling groups.
--because you will never have the time to spend another Saturday night on the couch!

For the record, I took the kids into two clothing stores today. I was asked by 5people "Where are they from?" Actually, one young lady asked me if they were my children. I replied "Yes." She then asked "Well, where is there Dad from?" She looked mortified when I told her they are adopted!