Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Rose Colored Glasses
Shyne with our newly adopted pooch, Lizzie Fox.
I haven't blogged a lot this summer for a few reasons. First, with the kids being out of school for the summer and all their activities, it was very hard to find time to blog. Secondly, I've been in the dumps about adoption and really don't want to discourage my readers that may be considering or currently in the adoption process. Lastly, I haven't blogged because of my family.
None of my problems are to do with my kids because they are AwEsOmE as always. These issues are definitely with ME. I guess when we first got the kids we were in survival mode. Now that the dust has settled, I've been hit with some pretty heavy emotions that major life changes tend to bring even if they are a bit delayed due to a long period of denial.
A lot has changed around here this summer. A lot. We (Billy and/or I) ran into the children's biological family three times within two weeks. It had been a year since we had ran last into them while out in town. This has ultimately lead to communication being opened up between their biological family and me. I will admit, I was very hesitant at first. However, now I am okay with it and even grateful. But the crazy thing is that this contact has really, really sent my mind spinning out of control.
I've quit looking at them (birth family) at people that didn't care enough and lost their kids. Instead, I seem them more as people that were not born into the white, blue eyed, middle class privileges as most people I know, including myself. I now see young, very poor people without a support system. I see another generation of people that have fallen victim to that vicious cycle of poverty. I've never had to move in the middle of the night due to eviction or foreclosure because my family was secured enough to own their home out right. I grew up scared of the police and jail because that is where bad people went, not family members. Get my point? Although, our lives are at opposite polars, I know they love their children even though I may never fully understand some aspects of their lifestyle. I know the extended family members are grieving the loss of these children but because of their poor choices and/or circumstances, they couldn't do anything about this situation either. I could go on and on but I won't. Just trust me when I say that my perspective has changed in ways that I could have never dreamt possible.
Apparently I upset my family this summer by my post, "It Is What It Is." I haven't heard from some of them since. I didn't write it as a farewell to my family, at all. I wrote it because this is my blog about my adoption experience and my way of working through some of my thoughts. It has hurt me for a very long time that my kids don't have the sort of relationships I had growing up. However recently, I have been overwhelmingly sadden by the fact that my kids were taken from their blood family (that is hurting) and given to another and for these to not have been celebrated and cherished more than they have been. This has left a giant hole in my heart and I can't put a Band-Aid on a wound that is hemorrhaging and continue to act like everything is okay.
These adoptions have changed my life in so many ways - some for the good, the bad and the ugly. I just wish I wouldn't have sat on my rose colored glasses.